Lost The Plot

As it stands right now, I’m a hundred in the whole with my bank account and that stress is beneficial in some ways, but also deeply concerning. I have a lot of blame in the matter, I have not made great decisions that have put me in this situation, but I also have been busting my ass to do good things in this world. Things that I really believe that God wants and commands us all to do. The flip side of this that makes me furious is I also see a ton of people who don’t do a damn thing to help anyone and serve themselves and sit on their asses playing Modern Warfare until they fall asleep at the TV, but have a cushy 9 to 5 that allows the to live easily and not really have to worry about too much. That level of security and comfort is very difficult for me because I really don’t value that at all, because I don’t think that God promises anything like it at all. I also don’t want to live in an ever-changing, volatile, and emotionally draining world of never being able to be ahead with resources or finances. There is this really odd balance that I really don’t understand how to find right now, and it’s maddening. Every time that I get in this situation, I find myself wanting to just say fuck it and live totally for myself, go be a designer at some lame company and churn out terrible designs and make a fucking killing doing it. I could do that, I know I could. And I know internally, I would be bankrupt. But right now, I’m fucking financially bankrupt and I don’t know how to get out of this. I don’t know how to balance this at all. It’s just crazy. This is the time right now that I really think about what Scott did and it really makes it ridiculously difficult to forgive. I vividly remember the feeling of wanting nothing more than to take a baseball bat to his fucking ugly ass blue BMW. I feel that urge right now and it’s really deep, but I also remember my feeling of wanting to send him a letter telling him that everything is forgiven, because I think that’s what Christians are supposed to do. My anger is off the charts. I’m angry at my bullshit former boss for taking $7K from me, I’m angry at my lack of focus in getting the work done so I can move one, I’m angry because I mentally start all these things and I get distracted and overwhelm myself so I can’t finish, I’m angry at this fucking girl who (probably) unintentionally led me on, and I’m angry that all this stuff matters so much to me. Fuck Modern Warfare. I hate that game. That game made $310 million in a weekend and millions of guys sit on their asses playing a fucking game instead of actually accomplishing something with there time. Louis CK had a great line about Girls Gone Wild, he said, “I tried to watch GGW, and it wasn’t sexy it was sad. I lost my erection, I just wanted to yell at the screen and say, ‘wipe the oil off your tits and hit the books—were in the middle of 2 wars and a fucking recession!” That’s kinda how I feel about the lack of fire in people who apparently don’t have anything better to do with their time. Now, before I run off in utter pride, I should say, I am also the king of doing a lot, but not really getting things done—and that has to change. I’m learning how to focus a whole hell of a lot better though, and I’m not going to let red numbers in my bank account stop me from doing what I think is the most important thing for so many people who have just lost the plot for what God is doing in this world. Time to “sack up” as my friend Steven says. It’s time to remember that right now.