February 25th, 2:33am

To even type the words “I’m so frustrated” doesn’t seem to how I feel any justice. My whole life right now, is totally and completely a grind, and seemingly at a standstill. There are parts of me that just want to die and other parts that want to physically harm myself and everyone that comes in my path. My self righteousness is off the charts right now. All I want is to live up to the standards that I have for myself, and I can’t. So I feel this chaotic discord in me and I have no outlet for it. All I want is to refine and use the gifts God has given me to build the Kingdom of God, but I feel like I have no idea how to actually make those things happen. I constantly feel like I have SO much to do. I literally feel pounds of pressure on me that I can’t take off. I want so badly to do great work, I want so badly to make music that connects with people, I want so badly to create beautiful design, but I feel like I fail at it frequently. I literally feel like a failure in everything that I have ever really given my life to. I want so badly to find someone to spend my life with, and that seems like a pointless toil. My whole life vocationally has been a constant learning process with no off ramp. I don’t even feel like I’m going in circles, I feel like I’m spinning my wheels. The financial thing isn’t a big deal right now, it would be nice to have more money, but I’m learning to live on less and be more content with what I have. But idk what to do with my life right now. I want so badly to help with LWA, do some web design, get a job, move forward, but nothing is moving right now at all—and it ALL FALLS ON ME. I feel pressure barreling down on me to the point of exhaustion. I would give anything for a woman who really loved me and could support me even in the slightest way right now. Borrowing someone else’s faith right now would be like water in the desert. The only thing I can figure to do is to keep going, keep moving forward. I see so many people doing fucking nothing with their lives and I want no fucking part of it. It sickens me to see people waste away their fucking miserable lives away by playing Call of Duty and watching basketball games while the world desperately needs people to work to change and move forward. I’m tired, absolutely exhausted. I am crushed by the work that needs to be done, and I need co-laborers who are willing to pickup the slack. Overall though, I realize that I have to learn to do my work by surrendering to what God wants most for me. I really don’t know how to do it, I try and rest, I really do, but I’m still so tired and scatterbrained. All I want is progress. I want go get things done. I want songs to be written, loops created, videos shot, pictures taken, websites made and a pretty bow on all of it. Incremental progress is the most difficult thing in the world for me. I want it all now. I have that shirt, “I want it all, I want it now…heaven on earth.” And it’s true. God forgive me where I step out of what he’s calling me to do. God give me rest please. God raise up people (around me possibly but) all over the world who are willing to work and labor and sweat for your namesake. God forgive me when I’m trying to live up to my standards and not to yours. God grant me a girl who will help me through all of this shit. Even through my pain and weight, your kindness, mercy and grace abound.